Over a cup of coffee
Let’s talk and set the mind free
Take a flight, anxious mind and be free
There are times when you feel as if it’s happening only with you. You feel worried, anxious and start the blame game, which is mostly pointed towards you. Either your kid is not behaving well, or your kid is shouting and screaming, you feel hurt and wonder what have you done wrong and why me? It might sound very silly but that was the way I felt when I came home with my son for the first time, I felt I was better off at the hospital instead. At least, all the mums were in the same boat. All the babies were crying. I didn’t know what to do. It was kind of a trial and error process. But with my second one, I knew what I was supposed to expect. It wasn’t that bad. So, all the new mums please talk to others who have been there. You will feel good that you are not the only one.
I used to feel like that in the first year of my son’s school as well. By, ‘feel like that’, I mean the usual ‘Why me?’ issue. It was then that I discovered that talking helps!
For me, the reception year (first year of school) of my son was overwhelming. I felt, it zoomed past. When he started his school, I was confident that he would settle in very well. The first week was very good. It was in the second week that probably reality hit him that he would be controlled in the class. In the nursery, they were encouraged to come out of their shell and explore the world while in school they were made to follow the rules. The methods and system were new to him. He had no problems in terms of doing his work but the problem was following the school rules. He is opinionated and we don’t have any problems with him being opinionated. But he always wanted to be the first one to speak up and not let anyone else share their views and used to have a running commentary. I used to dread opening the message book. Whenever there was something not so good on it, I felt as if I were being told off. I met up with his teacher and together, worked out a way for him. Together we taught him the way to get across his point without crossing the boundaries. However, deep down I was upset. I thought what did I do wrong? Why was he behaving like that? I am a guarded person and I normally don’t let out my emotions to anyone.
Then one day, I went out with the other mums for a coffee morning. One of them talked about the message book. She talked about her fear of opening the message book. And one after the other joined in. I had a satisfied sip of coffee and felt so good that I wasn’t alone. The assurance that your kid is doing just fine is so satisfying. It’s a great feeling when someone else understands what you are going through and relates to you. These insecurities and anxieties about your kid is quite natural as you have brought them up and that is the reason that more than them, it’s you who get excited when he/she receives a gold sticker. They are so little and they have their own way of drawing your attention. All they need is a little direction and boundary. If your child tells you something with honesty and trust, it may be anything, marks, and behaviour, being told off, our usual reaction is to shout, scream and scold. We start comparing, “why can he do it and not you?” But just a few moments of calmness will save a lot of hard work later on. Tell your kids that it’s ok and praise them for their honesty because more than you, it’s them who are feeling guilty. I know that our natural reactions may take the better of us, but please give it a go and not react instantly. Later on, when they are calm and comfortable, go to the core of the matter, and find a solution. It took me some time and have to work hard on it, but he at least tells me what’s going on in school! (Fingers crossed)
Talk it out because someone, somewhere has been through what you are going through now. If you have a calm head, it doesn’t resonate when your child is throwing a tantrum. For me ‘there is no show without an audience’, has always worked. I am sure there are many more ideas that have worked for you and you are most welcome to share.
I hope that penning my feelings to you have given you some reassurance that it’s ok and just like you, kids have bad days and just like you, there are other mums who are in the same state of mind.