How are you? Hope you are doing well, had a great weekend and enjoying the rest of the Sunday! I did not feel like writing anything for a long time. Just didn’t want to write anything. I was upset with something and was not able to find a way out of it. To divert myself from reality, I started reading like there was no tomorrow. I did not want to allow myself to wander off in crazy thinking, hence picked up books and just read and read. People who know me can tell you that I take my time in reading. But not now, I needed something to keep myself busy. I kept on reading as a healing process. Just about anything from Jeffrey Archer to Khaled Hosseini, from thrillers to romantics, from spiritual to non fiction until I chanced upon One hundred years of Solitude. It broke the spell. It is so hard to keep up with the characters. Haven’t finished it yet, had started another one just to keep my mind on the stories and their world. However, no matter how much I kept myself busy I could not find that peace of mind that I was looking for. I was not able to enjoy or be in the moment. I kept on thinking, failing to keep the doors of some of the unpleasant memories shut. I can’t do that or keep myself in a state of unhealthy mind. I am a mum, ‘peace and happy’ are my synonym. I can’t do that? I can’t be angry with things or people. I have to run a household, I have to raise my kids, I have to make my son work hard, take him to classes and make them happy people. Is it fair for me to be in that self inflicting state? Am I allowed to be angry? How do I break the spell? Who is going to be my ‘One hundred years of Solitude?’
I have talked to and met a lot of mums who go through similar troubles and problems. Where they don’t know if they are allowed to be angry or upset? They keep their emotions closed in a box deep inside, afraid of letting it out and creating an air of unhappiness in the household. Sometimes, you feel it’s so petty and feel ‘how can you even talk about it?’ Sometimes, you think it’s not even worth talking about and think ‘how would you even put it across?’ For me, writing is therapeutic. What I could not find in reading, writing did it for me. It clears my mind and helps me think it through. If I had just took my pen and started scribbling, problem could have been over in a day. But I am glad that it did not occur to me straight away as I read so many books in such a short span of time. Everyone of you, whether you are a mum of a baby, a toddler, a seven year old, a teenager or a grown up, there are some moments when you may feel directionless, upset and hopeless. It is in those moments that you need to try a little harder to bring you back on track. If you have to waste that negative energy than waste it by shifting your focus to something good until you find that way out. Trust me, situations change and so as your thoughts. If you have to distract yourself from something, cut those thoughts or people for a while. Don’t be bothered about what anyone think about you, don’t waste your energy in that. If you have to burst it out, then be it. Talk to a friend, that’s why they are there, to share every aspect of you. Or your spouse, they are also there for a reason, that’s why they are called your partners.
I am not angry anymore. I let it go for the moment. Life is short, live in the moment, make friends, do things that you really enjoy. If you are sad, it’s not ok. Find a way out because you deserve to be happy.